Learning to be Me

I just got off the video call with my art coach and the other 6 members of this year long little family Coach put together of artists, learning to be entrepreneurs as well as artists. This call was a wringer. I am wrung out, in a hard but a good way.

Coach helped me peeling myself down a little closer to the core of my being. Shaving off a few more flakes of other peoples expectations programmed into me, like running a paint scraper over fragile old peeling paint that has hardly any grasp on the old bare wood any more. The flakes shed off like dust off a shaking horse, and it feels so good, so revealing, so life changing. Then it feels a little bit scary being so exposed like that.

Being closer to who I really am, closer than the last time a bunch of flakes fell away, feels like heaven –painful — clear — deep — wide — expansive — and dark, like a huge cavern that has not been lit for a long time. The cavern is not warm or cold, just cool; not dark solidity, just an open empty space where I can feel my deepest self without bindings. I breathe in more deeply and relax more fully here. This state of being feels like Heaven. I am a puddle in Heaven. I am comforted and soothed and there are no expectations, only, purely, and simply existing.

I am not alone in this state of being. A presence is with me. I am being held in an unseen, unfelt medium of rest and stillness. I can rest here.

The soles of my feet are not burning here. My hands are not burning here. My skin is not burning here. My nerves do not hurt here. This is good to know.

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