Finding Our True Heroic Selves!

Healing is all about digging deeper and deeper and looking into the shadowy corners to shed light on everything and create healing.  Today I did some more digging.  What I found may resonate with someone out there.

I woke feeling stressed again.  “Why do I feel stressed?” I wondered.  “Time to focus,” I sighed.

“How am I feeling?” I asked myself.

“Afraid,” I said.

“Why,” I asked.

“I’m afraid I will fail,” I answered — but there wasn’t much power in it.  I knew that fear was pretty much healed.

I set that fear aside and asked, “OK, good to know.  Aside from that, how am I feeling?”

“Afraid.”

This fear was a little stronger.  “Why am I afraid?” I asked.

“I’m afraid I will succeed.”

I’ve heard this before too, I thought, but I  continued, “Why am I afraid to succeed?” I asked.

“Because if I succeed, people will expect me to keep doing what I succeed at and I will be stuck.  I will be expected to keep doing it and I won’t be able to focus my life on anything new.  I’ll be trapped.”  This has been an issue before in my focusing.

As I pondered this answer I realized my fears are based on the belief that I  must do what other people say I must do, like continuing to perform certain actions if I am successful in them. Bringing this into the light allows me to see that although that may be an ingrained notion, it is not really true and I can begin to let go of that belief.

I asked, “How can I heal this?” but nothing came so I asked, “What more can I learn about this?”  I received this answer — which came in bits and pieces: “In the past I have had my ruts, my time constraints, my health issues, my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, my feelings of depression, my feelings of being stuck.  These feelings and ruts have given me excuses to fail, or at least, excuses to not excel.  These feelings would rescue me when someone would badger me to do things, or blame me for not doing things, or yell at me for not doing something I didn’t have the time or energy for, or for something I didn’t even think of, or didn’t have the desire to do, or the intention to do.  They were my hiding place from someone elses’s abusive demanding controlling behavior.

In learning more about this fear of success I realized that in succeeding I would appear to others to be competent, capable, able, strong, and my excuses and ruts that I hid in before might not protect me anymore.

I also realized that without these familiar ruts, that I have lived in for years, I would struggle to know who I am, where I stand, what my perspective is.  I would feel lost without them.  I would be floating free without a harbor.  I understand clearly now how people identify with their wounds, their illnesses, their pain, because I clearly see how I do.

One of my teachers, Malcolm Ringwalt of Earth_Heart, explained the personality as post it notes inside of a light bulb.  When we are born we are like a light (the filament) with in a clean bulb, seeing the world as it is, our pure light shining out through the clear bulb accurately reflecting back the truth.  As we begin to interact with the world around us we gain experience based on our limited perspectives and begin forming opinions and shaping our “personalities”.  We make little notes and post them on the inside of the bulb that is our interface with the world, and our filters begin to be created.  (Scared of the loud dog.  Like the pretty flowers.  Don’t like Needles!  Kitty soft but scratches.  Man with beard mean.  Lady with brown hair gives cookie.) Each experience creates a post it note and each post it note taints the new experiences.  We become so used to our space within that bulb and our perspectives, we have a difficult time seeing anyone else’s perspective unless we have an experience like theirs.  Then we can write another post it note like theirs.

People on a spiritual path are attempting to poke holes in those post it notes, over and over, until eventually they begin to see glimpses of the world as it really is.  Sometimes in meditation one can poke a hole and get a glimpse.

Focusing is a type of meditation that allows us to look closely at our post it notes and begin to understand why we put them there in the first place, and help us peel them away little by little, or poke holes in them.

The first time Tom Brown Jr. had our class do the focusing meditation he had us out there in nature peeling back the layers of feeling for 45 minutes.  Focusing over and over for 45 minutes was excruciating.  It was work.  After I peeled back each emotion I couldn’t imagine there would be anything more to find, but there was.  I would get distracted and forget I was even doing an exercise, but when I remembered I would force myself to continue, after all, I wanted to get my money’s worth.    Looking for each new emotion was not an easy task, especially the deeper I got.  But I kept it up and I got to a place that completely surprised me.  I saw myself for who I really was, underneath all the emotions, the drama, the feelings.  I saw myself as pure energy, fearless, a warrior, and as a glittery core of energy going up and down within my body.  I wept uncontrollably at the beauty of myself because I had no idea I was anything like that! I also saw my accomplishments hanging off me like dead whitened logs.  I realized when I saw them that they were not a part of me at all, but just a residue hanging there; that the only thing that was me was this energy that was alive and was me.

I will be eternally grateful for that glimpse.

Even when Tom called us back to class I couldn’t stop crying.  I would have never guessed I was anything like that.  So today when I realized that I was afraid to let go of those ruts I was hiding in, of helplessness and incapability, and afraid to let them go because I wouldn’t know who I was, I remembered that meditation.

Why not hold onto the me I saw in that meditation?  That is the real me after all.  That is who I really am.  I can let go of my old crutches.

I believe we each have that incredible strong and powerful self under all the pain and suffering.  Curiously the painful experiences are for our growth if we can figure out how to use them for that.  I encourage us all to peel back the layers and learn from them.  Find and work to become the amazingly powerful people we really are.

I have to be gentle with myself because years of living in the rut is not an easy habit to break.  I have known for years who I really am but I still find myself in fear and that’s OK.  I simply have more to learn from those lessons.  I am still learning as I explore the layers between who I really am and the surface where I am confused and conflicted.  So please be gentle with yourself and with others you encounter on this journey toward self discovery.  We are all in this together and are all in different places along the path of total recovery.

Peeling Back The Negatives, Finding our True Childlike Joy

I have used the tool of focusing that I explained in my blog called “Do ya ever just not wanna get outta bed?  “Focusing” will tell you why.” many times since learning the meditation in Trackerschool almost 10 years ago.  The meditation is getting easier for me and I am more quickly able to pinpoint the problems and the good things I am looking for to assist me in my life.

I woke from a wonderful dream this morning which held all sorts of hope and confidence symbols, to a day clear of scheduled duties and full of possibilities, but a feeling of being overwhelmed and not up to the opportunities.

After feeding my horses and letting them out, taking the dog out, and setting up my computer, without any change in my feelings, I decided to peel back the layers and get to the bubbling over excitement and unrepentant confidence I knew was in there because I had felt it so recently!  So I lay back on my couch as my computer was warming up . . . my meditation went something like this:

“How am I feeling?”  I surrendered to the answer with no judgement, only love and acceptance, and waited for the first feeling to arise like dew forms on grass.  It took awhile for me to identify the feeling, it just looked like a carpet of darkness all over me and the landscape around me.  After several moments of being in that darkness I understood what the feeling was.

“I’m feeling inadequate, ‘less than’, incapable.”

“Why, why am I feeling that way?” I asked myself, again with only love and understanding, no judgement.

Again I waited in the feeling for awhile.  The understanding was not quick or easy in coming, and even when the answer came I was a bit surprised.  “I’m feeling this way because I have been taught since childhood not to trust myself, my feelings.  I was taught to look to others for approval, for what my path should be, for how I should be feeling.”

After sitting with that understanding for a minute I said to myself, without judgement, only acceptance and love, “OK, that’s good to know.”  I proceeded to attempt to set the darkness aside so I could go to the next layer but it really didn’t want to go.

I wondered why the darkness of inadequacy didn’t want to go.  I felt reluctant to force it to go.  I felt like maybe something bad would happen if I made it leave.  I wondered if I would be hurt somehow, ripped apart somehow, incomplete somehow, if it was gone.  Then I remembered I was just setting it aside.  But I also remembered that setting it aside often healed it and sometimes it didn’t come back.  I wondered if setting it aside was like giving it to God.  I wondered if giving the darkness to God is what the scripture means when it says to cast your burden on the Lord.  I tried it by saying, “Here God,” and imagined the darkness going to the light. It went, but very slowly, almost reluctantly or doubtfully, and I wondered if that was my doubt, or even my fear of being incomplete without it.  I wondered if I had been too hasty in setting it aside, maybe I had more to learn from it. . . maybe . . . anyway . . .

Next I asked, “Aside from that, How am I feeling?”

I was a little bit surprised when I found I was feeling afraid.

I asked why and surrendered.

“I am afraid I will fail, than I will know I was inadequate, not good enough.”

“OK, that’s good to know,” I said, meaning it and so grateful for that understanding!  I thought about giving that to God too, but wondered if setting it aside myself is the same thing, in a way.  I set it aside and it was easier that the first darkness of inadequacy.

Next I asked, “Aside from those, how am I feeling?”

This was the layer I had been looking for; buried under the layers of self doubt and fear.  I could see all the pictures in my mind, the colors I have been playing with for a project I am working on, the sketches I have been making, the shapes, the compositions, the textures!  This layer of feeling held the excitement of creation and joy!  “I feel energy, creative, full of life and ideas!  I don’t care if I make mistakes, it will be fun!”

“Why?”

“Because this is living, wondering, experiencing, tasting, smelling, making, seeing, doing, touching, trying, showing, talking, smiling, laughing, hugging, sharing, energy, everything.”

This layer isn’t hampered by fear, negativity, or self doubt.  This layer is pure.  This layer is more who we really are. This is the light that we are.  This is the layer I want to live my life from and I just had to get past the film of negativity to find it again.  I believe this layer is always in there, for everyone.  We simply (or sometimes not so simply) have to make the effort to find it under the other layers.  Focusing is a great tool to help with that!

I will forever be grateful to my teacher Tom Brown Jr. for his teachings and his healing methods we students benefitted from.

 

Do Ya Ever Just Not Wanna Get Outta Bed? “Focusing” Will Tell You Why.

That’s how I felt this morning.

I was rested but just didn’t want to face the day.  There was nothing pressing I had to do for anyone else, but I felt stressed and awful!

I decided to do the focusing meditation Tom Brown Jr., my teacher at Trackerschool, taught me, to separate the individual emotions that make up the mix of emotions we experience.

The method is this: While in a quiet place, alone, preferably in nature, you ask yourself in the most loving, non judgmental, kind manner, “How am I feeling?” and surrender (to surrender is to go to nothingness, no thought, no image, no agenda and see what comes to you) to the first emotion that presents itself.

If you get, “Well, I feel just fine,” then say to yourself, “Yeah, right!  How am I REALLY feeling?” and surrender to the real answer.  Then ask yourself, “Why?  Why am I feeling this way?” and surrender to the answer.  Then you make note of it on paper if you like, or in your mind, and set it aside in your mind.  Next, say to yourself, “Aside from that, How am I feeling?” and surrender to the answer.  Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?”  Make note of it, and set it aside in your mind.  Then ask yourself, “Aside from those, how am I feeling?” and surrender to the next emotion or feeling that comes to the surface.  When the emotion or feeling presents itself, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” and make a note of it and set it aside in your mind . . . and on and on.

If at some point you get nothing in return, realize there is some reason you are not allowing yourself to know about that layer, which is just fine.  Say to yourself, “OK, good to know,” set it aside and go on to the next layer.

When Tom had us do this, he gave us a full 45 minutes on this exercise.  I got distracted a lot as I went deeper and deeper, and had to struggle to bring myself back to the exercise.  He told us, “When you think you have gone deep enough, go deeper.”  This exercise is VERY healing and helps you to see what is contributing to the mix of emotions which are affecting you right now.

–If you go deep enough, you may find something completely unexpected that will change your life.

The emotions that are affecting you now change with time.  Each day will probably be different, but you may find some consistencies too.

When you are finished with the exercise, there is more you can do with it.   Tom taught us to go through the list and ask yourself, “Which one of these emotions is the most powerful right now?” and circle it and put a 1 by it.  Then go through the list and ask, “Aside from that one, which one is most powerful or  most important right now?” and circle it and put a 2 by it.  Do this until it feels like the most important ones are circled.

If the ones circled are positive emotions you can ask, “What more can I learn about this?” and surrender to an answer.  The answer may come in an image, a feeling, an emotion, a complete knowing.  You can ask again and again, going through layers of learning about this positive thing.  You can do this about individual emotions or about the group of emotions.  I think doing both would give the greatest understanding.

If the ones circles are negative emotions or feelings you can ask, “How can I heal this?” and surrender to an answer.  This question can be asked again and again until you feel you have gotten what you need for help in healing.  You can do this about an individual negative emotion or about a group of negative emotions.  I think it would be beneficial to do both the individual emotions or feelings and the group for the greatest understanding.

Back to my exercise today . . .

The first layer showed me that I was feeling very frustrated — because I had too much I wanted to accomplish and not enough hours in the day, week, month to accomplish everything, and I felt a pressure or expectation from myself but also because I believed others expected things of me.

The second layer showed me I felt calm, relaxed, not worried — because none of that is really important

The third layer showed me I was angry, roaring, holding up the rafters of my house, wanting to break it to pieces!  Not caring if I died!  — because of my frustration and bottled up anger from past things.  (In my dream interpretations, my houses seem to represent my life.)

The fourth layer I felt like a quiet, small, amber red, elliptical shape, and very happy to be alive — because that is more real, that is more the essence of my true feelings.

That was all I needed for today.  I realized the second and fourth layers were the most important and powerful ones for me and to let the other ones go.  To do things as I can, with joy, and not worry.

We get trained in life to focus and stress on things that are not really that important in the long run and that can cause a great deal of internal strife!  Realizing how wonderful it is to simply be here, experiencing everything, can make such a difference.

If you want to read more about my first understanding this because I remembered how I felt when I was coming to be in the physical world, click here.

Do Ya Ever Just Not Wanna Get Outta Bed? "Focusing" Will Tell You Why.

That’s how I felt this morning.

I was rested but just didn’t want to face the day.  There was nothing pressing I had to do for anyone else, but I felt stressed and awful!

I decided to do the focusing meditation Tom Brown Jr., my teacher at Trackerschool, taught me, to separate the individual emotions that make up the mix of emotions we experience.

The method is this: While in a quiet place, alone, preferably in nature, you ask yourself in the most loving, non judgmental, kind manner, “How am I feeling?” and surrender (to surrender is to go to nothingness, no thought, no image, no agenda and see what comes to you) to the first emotion that presents itself.

If you get, “Well, I feel just fine,” then say to yourself, “Yeah, right!  How am I REALLY feeling?” and surrender to the real answer.  Then ask yourself, “Why?  Why am I feeling this way?” and surrender to the answer.  Then you make note of it on paper if you like, or in your mind, and set it aside in your mind.  Next, say to yourself, “Aside from that, How am I feeling?” and surrender to the answer.  Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?”  Make note of it, and set it aside in your mind.  Then ask yourself, “Aside from those, how am I feeling?” and surrender to the next emotion or feeling that comes to the surface.  When the emotion or feeling presents itself, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” and make a note of it and set it aside in your mind . . . and on and on.

If at some point you get nothing in return, realize there is some reason you are not allowing yourself to know about that layer, which is just fine.  Say to yourself, “OK, good to know,” set it aside and go on to the next layer.

When Tom had us do this, he gave us a full 45 minutes on this exercise.  I got distracted a lot as I went deeper and deeper, and had to struggle to bring myself back to the exercise.  He told us, “When you think you have gone deep enough, go deeper.”  This exercise is VERY healing and helps you to see what is contributing to the mix of emotions which are affecting you right now.

–If you go deep enough, you may find something completely unexpected that will change your life.

The emotions that are affecting you now change with time.  Each day will probably be different, but you may find some consistencies too.

When you are finished with the exercise, there is more you can do with it.   Tom taught us to go through the list and ask yourself, “Which one of these emotions is the most powerful right now?” and circle it and put a 1 by it.  Then go through the list and ask, “Aside from that one, which one is most powerful or  most important right now?” and circle it and put a 2 by it.  Do this until it feels like the most important ones are circled.

If the ones circled are positive emotions you can ask, “What more can I learn about this?” and surrender to an answer.  The answer may come in an image, a feeling, an emotion, a complete knowing.  You can ask again and again, going through layers of learning about this positive thing.  You can do this about individual emotions or about the group of emotions.  I think doing both would give the greatest understanding.

If the ones circles are negative emotions or feelings you can ask, “How can I heal this?” and surrender to an answer.  This question can be asked again and again until you feel you have gotten what you need for help in healing.  You can do this about an individual negative emotion or about a group of negative emotions.  I think it would be beneficial to do both the individual emotions or feelings and the group for the greatest understanding.

Back to my exercise today . . .

The first layer showed me that I was feeling very frustrated — because I had too much I wanted to accomplish and not enough hours in the day, week, month to accomplish everything, and I felt a pressure or expectation from myself but also because I believed others expected things of me.

The second layer showed me I felt calm, relaxed, not worried — because none of that is really important

The third layer showed me I was angry, roaring, holding up the rafters of my house, wanting to break it to pieces!  Not caring if I died!  — because of my frustration and bottled up anger from past things.  (In my dream interpretations, my houses seem to represent my life.)

The fourth layer I felt like a quiet, small, amber red, elliptical shape, and very happy to be alive — because that is more real, that is more the essence of my true feelings.

That was all I needed for today.  I realized the second and fourth layers were the most important and powerful ones for me and to let the other ones go.  To do things as I can, with joy, and not worry.

We get trained in life to focus and stress on things that are not really that important in the long run and that can cause a great deal of internal strife!  Realizing how wonderful it is to simply be here, experiencing everything, can make such a difference.

If you want to read more about my first understanding this because I remembered how I felt when I was coming to be in the physical world, click here.

Alone in the Woods : Part 4 – Unexpected Relationships

When Grandfather Coyote finished speaking, he retreated back into the shadowy woods.  Dinner was called and the drizzling rain came heavier and faster.  Little Girl knew she had to do something about her sad little tent and the puddles inside, so she grabbed a tarp, some twine, and a shovel, and ran to her tent site.  This time, she slowed before entering the area, apologized whole heartedly for her rudeness before, and asked the plants and ground in the area if she could stay there.

The mood changed, from disconnection, to warmth and friendship.  Little Girl stood, awestruck.  The feeling saturated her.  Approaching her tent she threw her tarp over the top, and worked the cords through the grommets and around the little branches of the blueberry bushes.  As Little Girl wrapped the cords around the branches, she asked permission.  The thought that returned was, “Yes, you may use my branches, but please remember to untie me when you leave.”

“Of course!” Little Girl promised as she worked.  Next she began digging around her tent to help the water flow away.  There were many roots from trees and bushes in the way, so she carefully worked with her hands to create little trenches through the roots without cutting them with her shovel.  “I’m sorry to disturb your roots,” she said, “I promise to put the dirt back when I leave!”

Little Girl sensed the trees and bushes were all right with her and her promise.  She felt a connection she had never felt before.  She began to understand why some Native American’s call plants “the Plant People.”  To Little Girl, the bushes and trees no longer felt like greenery in the background, the trees and bushes she spoke with felt very personal and friendly.

Later that night, when it was time for Little Girl to walk the path to her tent, she had a very different experience.  The rain was falling, like the night before.  It was very dark, like the night before.  Little Girl had her flashlight, like the night before, but everything was different.  No longer did the blueberry bushes grab at Little Girl’s coat and pants as she pushed by.  No longer did the shadows jump and menace, frightening her.  No longer did the tall pine trees moan a warning.  Instead, Little Girl walked freely through the paths to her tent, without any trouble.  The shadows were calm and still.  Even the trees, swaying in the wind, rain falling in the darkness, seemed to be saying, “You’re home.  Welcome.  Come rest with us.”

Little Girl walked on in wonderment, amazed at the change.  She got into her tent and settled in for the rainy, wet night, but this time Little Girl drifted off to sleep to the sounds of gentle rain playing softly to her sleepy head.  What love and comfort she received by giving so little.  Through her small acts of respect, and kindness, and awareness, of all that was around her, Little Girl discovered unexpected relationships that would remain with her, for the rest of her life.

Those Verbally Abusive “Dot” People!

“Dot” people is a term used by a Kirk Duncan, a lecturer who works to help people improve their lives and relationships.

The voices, spirits, influences, energies, whatever you want to call them . . . that speak to us in our heads are typically present in everyone’s life.  You know, that little voice in the back of your head.  The one saying, “There’s no voice in the back of my head!”  We may think they are all our voice, but they are many voices, possibly from our past memories, but also possibly from good or bad forces working to help us, or influence us negatively.

Some of the voices are good and guide us well if we listen.  Once, when I was getting ready to drive, I heard a little voice in my head say, “Maybe you should let John drive, if you drive you will get a ticket.”  I responded in my head, nonchalantly, with, “Well, I will just be extra careful”.  I got in the car and drove, with John as my passenger, and I got pulled over for speeding in a construction zone.  I had not seen the sign.  I got a ticket.

Some voices are not helpful — the ones Kirk Duncan calls the Dot people — they criticize, condemn, judge, flatter, etc.  Those are the voices that say things like, “You are better than the rest,” or, “You’re so selfish,” or, “You are so lame.”

What I realized tonight is that the positive, good influence voices, speak in a non abusive way; and the critical, bad influence voices, or Dot people speak in an abusive way.

“The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, a book by Patricia Evans, explains that verbal abuse comes from other people pretending to be you and saying how you feel, think, act, and what you do, did, want to do, should do, etc.  For example, someone might say to you, “You should get your car fixed,” or, ” You need to get your degree,” or ” You don’t want that butter brickle ice cream, you want the vanilla.”  Verbal abuse can also be a commanding voice, “Move over,” or “Get a haircut,” or, “Take out the garbage.”  When one person pretends to be another, claiming to know what they think, feel, want, etc., it can be very confusing to the person they are pretending to be.  When a person uses the commanding verbiage, it can cause the person hearing it to resist and feel agitated or angry.

One can learn to communicate the same ideas without being abusive.  Instead of saying, “Fix your car,” one could say, “Have you considered getting your car fixed?”  The idea of getting the car fixed is communicated, but not as a command or judgement, but as a suggestion.

The positive helpful voices always speak in suggestions, like: “You might need that umbrella today,”  When I don’t listen, I wish I would have, because later I realize I needed the very thing that was suggested.  When I listen, I’m always glad I did.

The Dot people on the other hand, speak in abusive ways; in commands, criticism, or flattery.

Realizing this confirmed to me again that Patricia Evan’s book is correct.  To be a positive influence in other people’s lives, we can speak in ways that allow and encourage free agency rather than trying to control and manipulate, like the Dot people do.

One might ask, “But how can a parent control their child if a parent can’t say, ‘do this, don’t do that?'” There are ways of getting around the abusive speak and still communicate parental expectations.  Instead of saying, “Go clean your room,” you could say in a noncritical tone, “How’s your room looking?”  A gentle question reminds the child about the room and gives them the opportunity to think of cleaning it themselves.  If the child doesn’t take the hint, or avoids, a parent can remind the child about the rules in a positive, non critical tone, “OK, once the room is clean, you can go out to play (or whatever the next activity is).”  A gentle, non nagging question reminds the child without creating so many feelings of resistance.

I am grateful for authors like Patricia Evans, who figure things like this out and give me a boost in my understanding.

Those Verbally Abusive "Dot" People!

“Dot” people is a term used by a Kirk Duncan, a lecturer who works to help people improve their lives and relationships.

The voices, spirits, influences, energies, whatever you want to call them . . . that speak to us in our heads are typically present in everyone’s life.  You know, that little voice in the back of your head.  The one saying, “There’s no voice in the back of my head!”  We may think they are all our voice, but they are many voices, possibly from our past memories, but also possibly from good or bad forces working to help us, or influence us negatively.

Some of the voices are good and guide us well if we listen.  Once, when I was getting ready to drive, I heard a little voice in my head say, “Maybe you should let John drive, if you drive you will get a ticket.”  I responded in my head, nonchalantly, with, “Well, I will just be extra careful”.  I got in the car and drove, with John as my passenger, and I got pulled over for speeding in a construction zone.  I had not seen the sign.  I got a ticket.

Some voices are not helpful — the ones Kirk Duncan calls the Dot people — they criticize, condemn, judge, flatter, etc.  Those are the voices that say things like, “You are better than the rest,” or, “You’re so selfish,” or, “You are so lame.”

What I realized tonight is that the positive, good influence voices, speak in a non abusive way; and the critical, bad influence voices, or Dot people speak in an abusive way.

“The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, a book by Patricia Evans, explains that verbal abuse comes from other people pretending to be you and saying how you feel, think, act, and what you do, did, want to do, should do, etc.  For example, someone might say to you, “You should get your car fixed,” or, ” You need to get your degree,” or ” You don’t want that butter brickle ice cream, you want the vanilla.”  Verbal abuse can also be a commanding voice, “Move over,” or “Get a haircut,” or, “Take out the garbage.”  When one person pretends to be another, claiming to know what they think, feel, want, etc., it can be very confusing to the person they are pretending to be.  When a person uses the commanding verbiage, it can cause the person hearing it to resist and feel agitated or angry.

One can learn to communicate the same ideas without being abusive.  Instead of saying, “Fix your car,” one could say, “Have you considered getting your car fixed?”  The idea of getting the car fixed is communicated, but not as a command or judgement, but as a suggestion.

The positive helpful voices always speak in suggestions, like: “You might need that umbrella today,”  When I don’t listen, I wish I would have, because later I realize I needed the very thing that was suggested.  When I listen, I’m always glad I did.

The Dot people on the other hand, speak in abusive ways; in commands, criticism, or flattery.

Realizing this confirmed to me again that Patricia Evan’s book is correct.  To be a positive influence in other people’s lives, we can speak in ways that allow and encourage free agency rather than trying to control and manipulate, like the Dot people do.

One might ask, “But how can a parent control their child if a parent can’t say, ‘do this, don’t do that?'” There are ways of getting around the abusive speak and still communicate parental expectations.  Instead of saying, “Go clean your room,” you could say in a noncritical tone, “How’s your room looking?”  A gentle question reminds the child about the room and gives them the opportunity to think of cleaning it themselves.  If the child doesn’t take the hint, or avoids, a parent can remind the child about the rules in a positive, non critical tone, “OK, once the room is clean, you can go out to play (or whatever the next activity is).”  A gentle, non nagging question reminds the child without creating so many feelings of resistance.

I am grateful for authors like Patricia Evans, who figure things like this out and give me a boost in my understanding.