How This Illness Served Me

I scheduled an appointment with a therapist about a week ago (if I am suffering from conversion disorder, therapy is key in recovery) and one of the things she said to me before we got off the phone was, “I also do medical hypnotism which I think could help you get better.”  My first reaction was panic and the thought ran through my head, ‘I don’t want to get better!’

That deserved some exploring.  I began by asking myself why I didn’t want to get better.  In surrendering deeply to the question and feeling what my core feelings were, I realized that I believed if I got better I would have to do things I don’t want to do . . . like living in Florida again, going to work outside my home away from my children, spending my time fulfilling other people’s expectations of me instead of doing what brings me joy.  Those answers were very revealing.

In knowing what was causing me to be afraid of getting well, I also realized that those fears no longer had any foundation.  Maybe I needed an excuse in the beginning to move to Oregon, stay home and rest, and do the things that bring me joy, but not any more.  I can continue living in a way that brings me joy and not worry about what other people expect, or think, of me.


My Memory — Before I Was Born

I remember, Before I was born . . .

There is something I have been wanting to share with the world that changed my life forever, for the better, and I believe that sharing the experience may help someone else as well because I believe that my story is for everyone and that other people’s stories are for me to learn from too.  We are all in this together, and the more we share and collaborate our experiences, the better understanding we will gain, the more perspectives we can view this life from.

Some people may not believe what I say, but I know it to be true because it is my experience.

I had been going to Tracker school for about 7 years, and was at a class doing a meditation exercise, going deep within, plumbing the depths of my soul, when I hit upon a memory.  When I touched it, I re-lived it.  For a split second, I remembered how I felt when I was on my way here, to this physical body, from where I lived before.  I did not get a glimpse of that pre-existance, but I do know fully how I felt in that moment as I approached my physical life, and was almost here.

I held onto that moment for a mere split second, but the echoes of it faded slowly and I marveled at how I had felt for several minutes after.  I tried to get to that memory again but it was difficult.  I didn’t give up because I now knew that memory was there, so I searched for it until I found it again and could touch the place and stand within the feeling.  I repeated this exercise over and over during the next day or so until I could reach that place easily.  Now that place is once again a part of my life and I can go there at will.

How I felt in that moment, coming to the physical world, surprised me, because I had been struggling with depression off and on for years.  I had been struggling with my fears and self imposed road blocks, that seemed insurmountable to me.  So when I touched this place, this memory, I was shocked!

My memory:

I was on my way!  I was coming to this new existence!  I was so excited!  I was full of joy.  Words cannot adequately express how ecstatically happy I was, brimming and overflowing with the energy of absolute confidence, eagerness, anticipation, delight, great expectation, hunger for it all, indestructibility, and invincibility!  I was fearless! Bring it on!!!!  

I did not feel alone, though I saw no one near me.  I felt fully capable of mastering each and every difficulty the world could throw at me!

At this point one could be thinking, ‘Ah, the innocence of a baby!  How could she know what would await her on this planet with all the challenges and problems?  She will soon see how difficult it will be.’

But the beauty of the memory is that I DID know!  I was FULLY aware of ALL the difficulties I would face!  Even in the light of full knowledge of all the hardships, all the challenges, all the pain and suffering I would experience, I was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning, and even more so — it wasn’t a shallow excitement based on some shiny lights and a few presents, that could be dashed if I didn’t get what I wanted, no — it was a deep down, core of my existence excitement, that fueled a passion to live and experience all of it, the good, and the bad,  the bitter, and the sweet.  All was a treasure to me!  EACH experience a beautiful, sparkling gem that I would hold as a treasure! A treasure to learn from! A treasure that was a part of my life experience!

This knowledge has changed my life!  I realized that the way I had been viewing my hardships was all wrong; tainted with what I had been “taught” here, tainted with false ideas and perspectives of difficulty and pain that make a person feel miserable and fearful.

How this knowledge has changed me:

I’m not saying that I no longer experience pain and fear . . . but now, when I do, I remember how I felt when I was coming here.  I go to that memory and relive it and I gain a new perspective on my challenge and my perceived pain and sorrow.  I have been sprawled out on my bed, crying bitter tears over some upset, some perceived hurt or pain or disappointment, only to remember to go to that place and feel the joy and excitement I felt coming to this world, this life, and all the challenges it holds, and I can’t help but burst into a big grin and laugh because I am now experiencing one of the gems that I will hold dear forever!

No longer do I have to disconnect or go numb to endure the hardships of this life.  I can take my experiences in, and fully digest them, and glorify each moment as precious, and be grateful for each and every one of them!

So I share this with you because I believe, and it makes sense to be to believe so, that each and every one of us came here with this knowledge, this confidence, this delight and anticipation, and each one of us can relish every moment if we could remember how it felt to come here.

I encourage you to plumb the depths of your souls through quiet introspection, and discover for yourselves how amazing you each are, and how capable of joy, even through sorrow.  And I offer to you, the knowledge of my memory.  Glean what you may of the gift for yourselves.

Live with Joy!  Many blessings!