I have used the tool of focusing that I explained in my blog called “Do ya ever just not wanna get outta bed? “Focusing” will tell you why.” many times since learning the meditation in Trackerschool almost 10 years ago. The meditation is getting easier for me and I am more quickly able to pinpoint the problems and the good things I am looking for to assist me in my life.
I woke from a wonderful dream this morning which held all sorts of hope and confidence symbols, to a day clear of scheduled duties and full of possibilities, but a feeling of being overwhelmed and not up to the opportunities.
After feeding my horses and letting them out, taking the dog out, and setting up my computer, without any change in my feelings, I decided to peel back the layers and get to the bubbling over excitement and unrepentant confidence I knew was in there because I had felt it so recently! So I lay back on my couch as my computer was warming up . . . my meditation went something like this:
“How am I feeling?” I surrendered to the answer with no judgement, only love and acceptance, and waited for the first feeling to arise like dew forms on grass. It took awhile for me to identify the feeling, it just looked like a carpet of darkness all over me and the landscape around me. After several moments of being in that darkness I understood what the feeling was.
“I’m feeling inadequate, ‘less than’, incapable.”
“Why, why am I feeling that way?” I asked myself, again with only love and understanding, no judgement.
Again I waited in the feeling for awhile. The understanding was not quick or easy in coming, and even when the answer came I was a bit surprised. “I’m feeling this way because I have been taught since childhood not to trust myself, my feelings. I was taught to look to others for approval, for what my path should be, for how I should be feeling.”
After sitting with that understanding for a minute I said to myself, without judgement, only acceptance and love, “OK, that’s good to know.” I proceeded to attempt to set the darkness aside so I could go to the next layer but it really didn’t want to go.
I wondered why the darkness of inadequacy didn’t want to go. I felt reluctant to force it to go. I felt like maybe something bad would happen if I made it leave. I wondered if I would be hurt somehow, ripped apart somehow, incomplete somehow, if it was gone. Then I remembered I was just setting it aside. But I also remembered that setting it aside often healed it and sometimes it didn’t come back. I wondered if setting it aside was like giving it to God. I wondered if giving the darkness to God is what the scripture means when it says to cast your burden on the Lord. I tried it by saying, “Here God,” and imagined the darkness going to the light. It went, but very slowly, almost reluctantly or doubtfully, and I wondered if that was my doubt, or even my fear of being incomplete without it. I wondered if I had been too hasty in setting it aside, maybe I had more to learn from it. . . maybe . . . anyway . . .
Next I asked, “Aside from that, How am I feeling?”
I was a little bit surprised when I found I was feeling afraid.
I asked why and surrendered.
“I am afraid I will fail, than I will know I was inadequate, not good enough.”
“OK, that’s good to know,” I said, meaning it and so grateful for that understanding! I thought about giving that to God too, but wondered if setting it aside myself is the same thing, in a way. I set it aside and it was easier that the first darkness of inadequacy.
Next I asked, “Aside from those, how am I feeling?”
This was the layer I had been looking for; buried under the layers of self doubt and fear. I could see all the pictures in my mind, the colors I have been playing with for a project I am working on, the sketches I have been making, the shapes, the compositions, the textures! This layer of feeling held the excitement of creation and joy! “I feel energy, creative, full of life and ideas! I don’t care if I make mistakes, it will be fun!”
“Because this is living, wondering, experiencing, tasting, smelling, making, seeing, doing, touching, trying, showing, talking, smiling, laughing, hugging, sharing, energy, everything.”
This layer isn’t hampered by fear, negativity, or self doubt. This layer is pure. This layer is more who we really are. This is the light that we are. This is the layer I want to live my life from and I just had to get past the film of negativity to find it again. I believe this layer is always in there, for everyone. We simply (or sometimes not so simply) have to make the effort to find it under the other layers. Focusing is a great tool to help with that!
I will forever be grateful to my teacher Tom Brown Jr. for his teachings and his healing methods we students benefitted from.