This morning I lay in bed musing about my life as it is right now. The health problems I am experiencing prevent me from doing anything the least bit stressful. I had to miss my 40 year class reunion last weekend because every time I thought about going, my body would hurt as if I were badly sunburned and my mind would scramble like eggs in a hot frying pan. I had looked forward to this reunion for the past few years, but I did not attend.
I also had to cancel some fun activities I set up for a sweet group of young girls. The slight stress I felt was too much for my body, and I would get the same physical reaction.
The doctors said I probably have conversion disorder, which was brought on by having stuffed my emotions for too long, and the body finally says, “No More!” A person with conversion disorder is forced to pay attention because their body does an intervention and all the cells say, “Pay attention! Something’s wrong!” And you have to.
As I lay in bed I found myself sinking deep into my center, paying quiet attention to how I was feeling. I understood I was feeling a combination of emotions: Guilt over having told people I was not going to be able to teach the girls; Worry about what people will think of me; Sadness because I feel less able than other people to do things and I am missing out on some things I thought I wanted to do; Joy because I am able to rest and stop worrying about those responsibilities; Excitement because I am only able to focus on things that bring me joy; And an over arching feeling of just being still and peaceful. In the stillness I felt things shifting deep within me. To exaggerate, the shifts felt as if a big, old, neglected machine were suddenly turned on and the sound of the mechanism, whirring, with large, heavy gears moving, making loud clunks, creaks, rattles, bangs, shivers, and groanings. Sounds of rusted metal on metal. Sounds of movements echoing through large hollow spaces.
In reality, the shifts and movements were practically imperceptible, but in the stillness I could feel the changes happening within me . . . and the shifting continues to happen whenever I remain relaxed, quiet inside, and allow the movement.
I told my husband, recently, that my body will not let me do anything I don’t want to do, or anything that gives me any stress. My body allows me to do only the things that bring me joy.
He said, “You have a very spoiled nervous system.”
I said, “Yes, I do”, and I smiled, feeling great love and gratitude for my very spoiled nervous system.
The shifts this morning felt like a falling away of old beliefs; old “shoulds” and worries that had taken over my life. There are many things I thought I wanted to do that were made impossible too. I suppose total release of worry was necessary so I could rebuild from a place of peace and nothingness. For decades I abused and broke myself by allowing things in my life that hurt me on a continual basis. Now I am forced to pay attention to what “I” need, what my body needs, and let go of the “shoulds” while I nourish and heal myself from within, with joy and delight, like a child.
I realize I don’t want to get “better” if it means I go back to my old self destructive ways. No. Getting better means keeping all the shifts that serve to bring peace and joy into my life, and allowing myself to remain relaxed and open enough to perceive and allow further blessed shifts.
Michele Ballantyne 
12 responses to “My "Very Spoiled" Nervous System”
I hope you are feeling/dealing better :)) Dawn
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In some ways I am better than I ever have been. In other ways, the nerve issues, fatigue, I am working on it. Thanks Dawn! I am happy and I’ve learned not to stress but to let go when necessary. I enjoy driving myself hard with projects, though, and that is a difficult habit to break.
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I take LOTS of herbs and supplements that have really helped with my body and joint troubles. Have you ever heard of a supplement called MSM? It’s a horse supplement and I take it every day. Helps with all kinds of inflammation and pain.
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I used to take that years ago when I was seeing a naturopath. I will try it again. I am taking a combination of herbs through a green drink. I think it is helping me. Also losing some of the extra pounds I’ve gained lately will help. You can read about my fun diet on the blog called “The Shelly-Melly Diet” if you want (Sept 2, 2017). My daughter and I are having a competition and it is way more fun and motivating this way. We earn stars for various accomplishments and earn prizes from the other.
I enjoy talking to you. Have to go to bed though 😦
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Good for you on the diet change and up-coming weight loss :)) My husband and I went Paleo and we are much leaner and healthier now :)) I too, took MSM years ago, and then forgot all about it. But I re-discovered it about a year ago, and what a difference it has made :)) (Find a guy named Bill Rich’s testimony – on YouTube – as to what it does for you.) I buy the horse supplement, powder form, and shovel a scoop, chased with water, several times daily. Fixes all that the zebra and horses have worn out in me :)) :))
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Wow! Thanks for the tip! I will look at that testimony. ‘Big hug!’
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:)) :)) :))
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That’s great Dawn. I looked on my herb rack and there was MSM just waiting for me to remember it after 10 years! I am taking it now and I do believe it is making a difference. Today, when I got home from Church, I had a headache as I usually get in the early afternoon, so instead of taking a pain killer, I took the MSM, two tablets, and the headache went away! I still feel a little tired, the weather has turned rainy after months of sun, but the headache is gone.
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Wonderful :)) :)) Keep me posted on how you’re doing, please!!! :)) It really helped me to hear Bill Rich’s story about it again. Look how we’ve inspired each other :)) :))
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Yes, I can tell you already that yesterday I had a headache in the afternoon and took 1000mg of MSM and it went away. Later in the evening I had another worse headache, and took the same dose again and it almost completely went away. I am amazed.
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Hurray!!!! :)) :)) :))
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I am adding MSM to my regular routine and I want to try the MSM cream for my sore muscles too.
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